I Don’t Want to Inspire You

I’m sitting here, trying to hold onto my really, really big thoughts so that I can type through them later.  I have carpal tunnel in both wrists (big surprise, for the girl who types nearly every waking moment!), and the right one is killer… but sitting with the thoughts, as they weave themselves into pleasing phrases and sentences and paragraphs, is akin to torture.  I can’t sit with them inside me; they must, they must come out.

My really big thoughts come from some really big hopes and dreams.

I want to serve, not because I have an excess of money or influence, but because I have hope to spare, enough to share some with others in need.

I want people to look at my life, my relentless positive attitude, and wonder what makes me different.  

I want to have the guts to say the word–Jesus.  I want the wisdom to know how to speak the truth without turning people away.

I want the courage to speak out on the really tough issues, ones about which I have a firm opinion but fear speaking out because my opinion won’t be popular with some very important people in my life.  

I want my drive to seek the truth and the Truth to outweigh my fear of others’ opinions.

I want to be in a place, every moment, of loving this life but never so much that I’m not willing to leave it all behind in an instant, should He call me elsewhere.

I want to change people.  Some people want to change things… politics, status quo, paths… not me.  I want to change hearts.

I want to know I’ve made a difference.  

But, I don’t want to inspire people with my story.  I want you to know that I am not behind any of this, but He is.


3 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Inspire You

  1. Love your heart!
    My son David, 12, autistic, is a beautiful child. I just wish he could express himself as you do. He can type but his thoughts are not clear and organized like yours. Thank you for doing this! And yes, my hope is Jesus! He is everything!
    Bless you!

  2. Lydia,
    Every time I read your blog, I feel like I’m reading my own diary. You describe things that I have only felt but could not put words to. You have an amazing ability and I am grateful for all your words; inspiring, frustrated, hurt, joyful, puzzled, acknowledging, wise, raw, thought-provoking…every one of them real and meaningful. You make a huge difference, and I’m sure that is because of Jesus. You know you are doing the right thing when you feel His peace, and I feel that when I read your words. I hope that some day I will find my gifts to use for the same reason you want; to change hearts. You are well on your way. God Bless.

    • I can’t tell you how meaningful your words are to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I pray that you discover your gifts… your gifts are whatever makes your heart sing, whatever you love. Do what makes you feel joy and peace, and you will serve and honor God in the process.

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