For the duration of my life, at least, the first quarter century of it, I felt a deep sense of discontentment. I wasn’t happy– in fact, I was all the opposites: angry, depressed, and hopeless. It came out in the way I related to myself, such as my decade-long battle with an eating disorder and my widely-swinging emotions. It also came out in the way I related to others, even to the point that I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
The diagnosis, and the stormy relationships that were behind it, came from the fact that I desperately sought a solution to my sense of discontentment. Somewhere in me, I knew I had a problem and I knew I wanted a solution. At times, I manipulated my eating and weight as I tried to gain control over my up-and-down emotional swings. But, that didn’t work, and, in time, I began to turn to other people in search of a path to a peaceful spirit. I pushed my friends away, knowing that I would hurt them, all while I clung to them and begged them to help me. I wanted to save them, and I wanted to be saved from myself. Of course, I never had the words to put any of this outright in a way that made sense either to other people or to myself. I was hurting badly and incredibly confused.
On May 28, 2013, I experienced a radical healing. I can close in on the moment in which God touched my heart from either side… it happened before this, after that, before this, after that… but never will I be able to pinpoint the infinitesimal moment in which my entire being and entire life were changed.
Since that date, I have learned that “my soul finds rest in God alone.” Not only do I not have to look to other people to fix me… I quite frankly don’t give much of a darn at all as to what anyone else thinks! I don’t care if they like my weight, my clothes, my choice of interests, or my beliefs. In fact, I am very open about the fact that my healing came from God and not from anything I did, even though many people have been negative toward me for that admission… but, again, I don’t care what others thing. The only One I seek to please is God, and, especially considering that no matter what I do, I will never please all the people in my life, the path to honoring God definitely is not the same path as pleasing other people.
I have come to peace with having a body… no, scratch that, an entire everything that is outside the mainstream. I may not be thin, but I am still beautiful. I may not even have a job, but I am still successful. I may not be in a relationship, but I am still fulfilled. I may rarely make it to church, but I am filled with peace and joy in Christ. There is little about me that fits the world’s idea of “normal.” I’m not sure there’s anything about me at all that is “normal!” But, I can honestly say that I have found a way of living that honors what I feel called to do.
I don’t know that anyone will read a blog post and then find it in themselves to leave behind their aspirations for losing weight or proving their smarts or snagging a husband, or whatever other goals the world has dictated they seek to achieve. I hope I can make someone think, even if it’s just the smallest amount, about maybe, just maybe, the secret to happiness comes down to ceasing to give a damn about what anyone else thinks.