Elsa, girl– I GET IT.

Today goes down as the number one most complicatedly awesome days in my life.

I keep spiking fevers.  I’ve had five in the last eight weeks, all over 103 degrees.  The last one caused delusions.  I was terrified.  My doctor here, at the nursing home where I’ve lived for the last year and have spent much of that time learning to make peace with what I know is the best decision (and, BREATHE!  That was a long clause)… anyway, he came in to tell me, again, that it really comes down to expectation and mind over matter.  Think positively, and you’ll be fine.  Everything is fine.

Only, the same doc kept telling my family that my grandma wasn’t having mini-strokes.  She was fine.  Then, she had a massive one… and died.

I want to ask him if he blames his Alzheimer’s patients for their confusion, too.  “Just REMEMBER… just expect to remember, and you will.”

So, that’s what’s on my mind, and I was just raging last night.  Now, listen.  Since my crazy-miraculous healing experience from ALL mental health issues last May, I haven’t truly felt livid in almost a year.  I don’t do extreme emotions, other than joy.  I’m pretty dang even-keeled.  But, that being the third or fourth time this doc has made those comments, despite my requests for him to stop.  The situation totally called for livid.

I woke up early (that being 9 A.M.) and my mom took me to see Frozen.  Never have I been so invested in a Disney movie.  I twisted my body in my seat to keep from openly sobbing.

I know every bit what it feels like to fear your own power, to be terrified by the damage you know you will cause.  Having grown up with undiagnosed autism plus diagnosed borderline personality disorder, I wanted nothing more than to save my friends from the pain I knew I was causing them with my extreme emotions and attacks and rages.  I was different.  But, I also had intense mental illness.  I was ravaging my relationships.  I was a monster, and I just wanted to shut people out, shut myself away.  People loved me, and they fought their way in, and then I would ruin them, as I knew I would.  Cycle… cycle… cycle.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!

Since my experience on May 28, 2013, when I experienced a total healing of every drop of depression, anxiety, 12-year-old eating disorder battle, panic attacks, and borderline.  I am totally, utterly, gloriously free in the Lord.  Part of what came with that healing was the ability to recognize that my autism deeply routed in who I am, and that hiding it is akin to hiding the fact that I’m a woman.  In July of 2013, I attended my first major autism conference, and, through meeting other adults like me, I realized that not only can I be autistic… I can be myself, my autistic self, and be successful professional and personally.  n fact, I spent the day with a friend– a new friend, an AUTISTIC friend– and I had an absolutely delightful time in which my friend made me feel good about myself, joyful about my life, and close to my God.  That is friendship, and having found “my people,” I know how to move forward.

Let it go, let it go!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

I dove into my studies in grad school.  I sought publication for my children’s book and started back up my burgeoning speaking career.  Autism is not my label.  It is my community.  I ceased all feelings of shame in shouting from the rooftops that God healed my heart.  I committed myself to writing my testimony so that others who have a past can learn to make peace with who they’ve been and the hurts they’ve caused.

It’s funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

My years of living with a propensity toward breaking into sobs and rages at any moment have been replaced by totally relentless joy.

Let it go, let it go.
You’ll never see me cry.

Through writing my book, in my way of thinking and processing through my fingertips, I have come to make peace with who I was.  My heart was never evil.  I have to forgive myself for the hurts I caused.  I pray, daily, for “healing and wholeness” for the people I’ve hurt.  I smile and greet them when I see them, and silently pray.  I’m establishing new friendships, mostly within the ASD community.  I have gotten to a place where I not only feel peace with my past, but I thank God for it… for, it is only because of the incredible lows that God was able to demonstrate His power, bringing me to where I am today.

I’m never going back; the past is in the past!

‘I hear that people don’t always quite know what to make of me. I don’t know why that is… could it be because I’m a little bit artsy and more than a little bit in love with science? I’m full of spunk and gumption, unless I’m tired, then I’m fresh out of anything but whine. I’m conservative, except where I’m liberal. I’m sassy and creative but I can crunch numbers in a heartbeat. I have tattoos but I won’t wear high heels and makeup feels like I’ve just painted my face. I’m socially quirky and I like it that way. I believe in human rights, human kindness, and I believe in humanity. I’m 26, with a 65-year-old soul and a 14-year-old spirit. I believe in Jesus with ALL my heart and seek to live out His love with every word I speak and deed I do. I think kitties might be the pinnacle of perfection in the animal kingdom, pink that of the colors, and Diet Mountain Dew that of beverages. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I can never decide if I swear, as that seems to depend on the day. I am extremely stubborn but I change my mind frequently. Did I mention I love kitties?

Now, why on earth don’t they know what to make of me? “

Unapologetic about who I am in the One who makes me who I am.

Let it go, let it go.
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway…

How can so many big emotions fit in such little drops out of my eyes?

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2 thoughts on “Elsa, girl– I GET IT.

  1. Very happy for you. The doc was a XXXXXXX. I hope someone else was available to help out.

    Thought you might like this video – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DXy8F2TOYM – it’s an autism cover of Let It Go 🙂

    I cried too, for different reasons (blogged about this). NT mom of an autistic boy. When I was young, I was pretty much different from most of my family. I couldn’t be myself. I guess, in a way, it’s the same reason, really. I love that song 🙂

    We have to be our true selves – can’t hold it back anymore!

  2. WOW…what a great story! Love the poetry and the way you explain your feelings. So glad you have been able to share them. It will help others understand. Keep writing!

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