Though not to dwell

There are good hours, in which I think of Elsie P and smile at her antics, and there are bad hours, in which I think of her and cry my eyes out.  I know my cat, and I know she would not be thrilled if I were sitting around, dwelling on her absence and crying.  She did not like it when I cried.  And so, if only for her, I’m trying to focus on the positive… while still thinking of her, and remembering the good things.

I just wanted to tell you about the amazing outpouring of love and support I’ve received throughout this whole thing.  I can honestly say I’ve never felt like Elsie P and I were so loved as now.  So, a few little scenarios for you…

First, yesterday, I skipped bible study.  I know this sounds like a bad idea, but let me explain that due to Elsie’s illness, I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in over a week.  And, as she was struggling to hold on, I continued not to sleep.  And so, when I finally dozed around 7 AM on Wednesday morning, and my alarm for study went off at 8, I decided to postpone staff’s arrival (gratefully, she was flexible) and sleep for a few hours.  When staff got here, I asked if we could go to the mall to walk, as my mom said that perhaps walking and getting a bit of exercise would help me to sleep better (note: it did).

As we were on our way to the mall, we went by church.  I noted the time, and saw that bible study would just be letting out.  I asked if we could stop to say hi to Heather, one of my closest friends.  Of course, said staff, and so we did.

First, I ran into one of my pastors, who gave me a hug (hugs were okay this day, don’t ask me why!) and chatted for a bit.  She said she’d be praying.  This pastor is the dearest of souls, but very busy, so often if you’re going to talk with her you have to walk with her!  It was a treat to get to stop and talk.  Then, as study let out, apparently my bible study leader (whom I communicate with via email) and Heather had told the class about Elsie, so all the women coming out of the room came up to me and hugged me and talked with me.  I probably got eight hugs!  As I said, Elsie P and I are loved!

Then, as we were talking to Heather, I mentioned that staff and I were going to walk at the mall and that she could join us.  She agreed, and an hour later (after a Chipotle lunch) we were at the mall with Heather and her youngest son (he’s 3).  Heather and I are the sort of friends who can do nothing at all and still have fun.  I’ve been at her house while she’s cleaning, or doing dishes or laundry, or what have you, and I never cease to leave feeling lifted up and loved.  So anyway, we walked around the mall and did nothing in particular, and I was thrilled.

When I came home, I had a message on my phone from my friend M.  Keep in mind that, despite my many friends from places far and wide, only a very small number of them could actually call me, as the vast majority of my friends are internet friends.  Anyway, M had called me to say how sorry she was and to give her a call back when I could and we’d chat.  I don’t know what it is, but the fact that she took the time to call me like that just means so much.

Not that the comments on my blog (thank you!) and Facebook messages (thank you again!) don’t mean so much as well.  I think my sister was a little startled at the sheer volume of support I’ve gotten.  I know it makes her feel good to know that I have this community.

It’s not as if this thing can be easy, but thank you for making it as supportive as it can be.  It really, really helps.  I know Elsie P appreciates the support, too, (as long as it’s not interrupting her dinner time…) so that I don’t cry as much.  That kitty hated for me to cry.  And so, I will focus on loving her for the cat she still is up in heaven, and not for the cat that I’m missing here on earth.



3 thoughts on “Though not to dwell

  1. Beautiful pic of you & Elsie P.! I don’t even know you, but I am thrilled that I can support you. I don’t think we have to know one another to do that. One of my spiritual gifts is that of encouragement & it is something that blesses me when I use it. Your posts totally bless me each time I read them. I have a 17 year old son, McKenzie, who has PDD-NOS & PITAND (Pediatric Infection Triggered Autoimmune Neuropsyciatric Disorder). The PITAND is worse than the autism!! He is very high functioning, but doesn’t write or articulate like you do. McKenzie isn’t able to express his feelings most of the time. McKenzie is a very bright young man & does very well. Your posts give me some insight into what he may be experiencing on the inside. Thanks for taking the time to write your posts. I really enjoy them!

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