I could scream.

I could scream, and I could cry, if it would get me anywhere.  I could pound my hands and throw things.  I really could.  I would do it, too, if it would help get the words to come into my fingers, but I know it won’t, so I’ll just sit here and grump.

I slept for twenty six hours last day/night/day.  Twenty six.  I was up a half hour here, and a ten minutes there, and a full almost two hours this morning to walk to the convenience store to get Diet Mountain Dew.  Other than that, I’ve slept, and you know, I could go to sleep right now.  I will, soon.

My head chatters.  It’s positively wracked with chatter.  It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… stop that.  Elsie Penelope, the kittiest cat you know.  Quit.  Silly old bear.  Thanks for noticing me.  I said, enough!  Walk away, just, walk away!  And so on, and so forth.

I worry, I tell you.  I worry that I’ve revealed every revelation that could possibly be revelated in my nearly five hundred posts.  And I worry that if I take the break I fear I may need, that no one will be here waiting for me when I come back.  I worry that the blog world will go on without me and I’ll never be missed.  And I worry what I’ll turn into if I don’t type, because I am all typing, all the typing.  I worry.  I really, really worry.

And I worry about staff-related things.  And I worry about Mom-related things.  And I worry about Sister-related things.  And I worry about Dad-related things.  And I worry about friend-related things.  And I worry, and I worry, and I worry.  I worry about things I haven’t even thought to worry about in years.  Old worries are surfacing.  Are you mad at me?  That’s my common phrase.  Are you mad?  Was it me?  What did I do?

Sounds like some serious prayer is in order in this life of mine.  Not to mention a kitty, some chocolate milk, and a night or ten with my weighted blanket.  I took a hot lavender bath, so that’s taken care of.

If I were going to tell myself how it is… self, I’d say, you need to take a deep breath.  Your fingers have forgotten their words before and they always come back.  And self, I know people might think you lead this easy, no-worries life, but you really do deal with a lot and it’s okay to give yourself credit.  You know, self, it takes a strong and brave girl to do what you do, and you’re not doing such a bad job.  Now, give yourself a break and let yourself relax.  Bask in the peace you know that surrounds you.  Don’t let others’ worries upset you.  You can help, but if you can’t really do anything, taking them on won’t help anyone at all.  You do a good job of being cheerful and helping out, self, so you keep doing that.

And I’d say back, thanks, that really makes me feel better.  You’re a good calmer-downer-cheerer-upper, self.

And finally I’d say to the both of those selves, you’re really goofy, you know that?

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4 thoughts on “I could scream.

  1. I always wait for your posts. And I read each one several times. I think about them very deeply.

    In my own world, your posts are a very big deal. They are a treasure.

  2. Lydia,
    I am neglecting all my blogging friends because I need a break. I hope you know that I will always come back to read and comment even if I miss a few posts. Do not feel you have to write for others! Write for you and know that even when I fail to comment, I am just an e-mail away. I am in the process of writing a gratitude posts and you are one of the people that I am grateful to have met this year. Blessing my young friend!

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