Autism from the inside out

There is an epic battle that goes on inside me, every second of every day.  Autism controls my outside, but my inside is a different place.

On the outside, I yell and scream and growl and cry.

On the inside, I say, “Excuse me, but I’m getting overstimulated.”

On the outside, I call and pester Mom 900 times a day (or, like, 6).

On the inside, I just want so badly to have a real conversation with her in which I am not limited by my verbal ability.  I keep hoping the next conversation will do that.

On the outisde, I seem like a selfish person with selfish intentions.

On the inside, I care deeply about others and put them before myself.
In my mind, I am my inside.  I have trouble seeing the outside and how I appear to others.  But some people, family even, only see the outside.  I’ve been typing for so long now, communicating to so many people, that I forget sometimes that people who don’t know my typing only know my outside.  I try to type to them, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not comfortable with it, so what can I do?

Shame on them for not being willing to see past the outside and learn about the inside.

And then there are those of you who know only my inside and might find it hard to believe that I can really appear the way I do to those who don’t know my typing.  Trust me; my own family told me for many years that I am selfish, defensive, and so on, because they just didn’t know.  But now they do, at least most of them, and all is well.

Breathe.  All is well.

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8 thoughts on “Autism from the inside out

  1. 200??? Lame!! Can’t they make a dog faster than that??

    Lily liked the play area. She hung out on the one bridge and climbed up one side and slid down the other with her big sister until it was her turn to sit on Santa’s lap.

    They said they dimmed the lights, but I didn’t notice if they did, to be honest.

  2. blogginglily (I always have trouble calling people by their handle when I know their real names!), it is indeed not a fast process to get a dog. She’s worth waiting for, and every day is one day closer!

    I know the executive director of ABOARD, and she said things went really well at the Santa event.

    And thank you, Miss J. A true friend indeed 🙂

  3. I am writing because I am just curious, it is nothing more. I hope this does not upset you.

    It has said by the organization Autism Speaks that some autistic people are “trapped” in their bodies because of autism. What you write here reminded me of that.

    Do you feel as if you are trapped inside your body?

    I have been told by people that I am trapped in my body, mostly when people want me to speak. I also have been called selfish and many other things when my intentions were not. It rarely (if ever) upsets me. But I do not see people’s reactions to me, not like you describe.

  4. Ari, not to give a cop-out answer (sometimes when people answer anything but “yes” or “no” I kind of read it as a means to smooth the tides, by not really, truly responding)… but my honest answer is “it depends.”

    If I am given a means to express myself (i.e., if I can type), no, I do not feel trapped or limited by my autism. This is my world too, and I belong here. I also do not feel trapped when I am forced to speak or denied typing– rather, I feel disrespected. But when I’m screaming and crying and inside I am fine, well, yes, I do feel dominated by autism.

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