There is an epic battle that goes on inside me, every second of every day. Autism controls my outside, but my inside is a different place.
On the outside, I yell and scream and growl and cry.
On the inside, I say, “Excuse me, but I’m getting overstimulated.”
On the outside, I call and pester Mom 900 times a day (or, like, 6).
On the inside, I just want so badly to have a real conversation with her in which I am not limited by my verbal ability. I keep hoping the next conversation will do that.
On the outisde, I seem like a selfish person with selfish intentions.
On the inside, I care deeply about others and put them before myself.
In my mind, I am my inside. I have trouble seeing the outside and how I appear to others. But some people, family even, only see the outside. I’ve been typing for so long now, communicating to so many people, that I forget sometimes that people who don’t know my typing only know my outside. I try to type to them, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not comfortable with it, so what can I do?
Shame on them for not being willing to see past the outside and learn about the inside.
And then there are those of you who know only my inside and might find it hard to believe that I can really appear the way I do to those who don’t know my typing. Trust me; my own family told me for many years that I am selfish, defensive, and so on, because they just didn’t know. But now they do, at least most of them, and all is well.
Breathe. All is well.