All at once

Life sure does happen all at once, doesn’t it?

In the last 24 hours, I have…

– talked to some well-known autism advocates around the world

– been offered the chance to speak at Slippery Rock University’s Autism Conference next year

– had it confirmed that the Patch (online newspaper) will do a story on me, Blue, and my books

– sold a few hand-sewn items I will make (stuffed elephants out of puzzle piece fabric!), the proceeds of which will go to bring Blue home.

Life happens all at once, when it happens.

But then, I’m still in my fog through all of this.  I just sat here, miserable, trying to figure out why I felt so icky.  I thought that I was hungry, so I ate… and felt worse.  Guess I wasn’t hungry.  Only in autism world do things like, “Am I hungry?  Do I have to go to the bathroom?  Do I itch?  Am I sick?  Did I forget my meds?  Do I hurt anywhere?” have to go through your mind every time something feels off.  I think (correct me if I’m wrong) that most people just know, somehow, when they’re hungry or hurting.  Not me.  I have to play guessing games.

It didn’t help, then, that what I ate had cheese in it.  In fact, I think the large about of casein I consumed at dinner, via cheese, is the reason I feel so bad.  Of course I didn’t realize this until after I eat the second portion.

I wish there were some degree of contuinity of experience in my life.  If I think back over the day, I think… I have visual flashes.  I can see my khaki capris laying over my… what do you call that thing?… then I can see staff sitting on the couch, then I can feel my nose itch.  But what did I do?  Where did I go?  Who did I talk to?  I must say, I haven’t a clue, and that is rather frustrating.  The only reason I can remember what I listed above that has happened is that I have logs of it all in my email.

I do feel as if I’ve been reduced to my typing.  I can’t remember what my real-life world is anymore.  I don’t know how present I appear, but with no memory of anything that happens… well, I’m not really there.

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