We’re going on hour 26 (minus, uh, 8? hours of sleep last night) of panic and/or meltdown. I mean, seriously? Is this real? (Ed note: The situation was not helped by the fact that I didn’t take my AM meds. Not at all.)
Try something for me?
Turn on the TV to a strange channel (You don’t have strange channels, you say? Here, the TV never, ever leaves Food Network.). Now turn on the radio. Now bring something up on your computer, too, with visuals and volume. Keeping your eyes on your computer, I dare you to report, totally accurately, what happened on the TV… three days later.
Welcome to my world. I don’t know what on earth is going on, but something’s falling apart as I age. I don’t remember this happening when I was young, but anymore, it’s constant. Okay, what’s constant?
Well, a conversation with me goes something like this:
– Brief exchange occurs
– I either 1. don’t hear or 2. don’t understand a good portion of what you’ve said Not to mention, all nonverbals evade me.
– I fill in the blanks of what I missed, though not intentionally or knowingly. I really don’t know how or when I do this, but I simply must be doing it, somehow.
– Unspecified period of time later, I call up the exchange… which has, most likely, been distorted in my memory
– I relay the exchange to a third party. Now, what is in my head may or may not (usually the “not”) be what comes out of my mouth. If you’re lucky, you get a sensical, believable, but incorrect rendition of what transpired. At worst, you get “kitty cat.”
So, here’s this tidbit that I’ve misheard, misunderstood, missed all the nonverbals, misremembered, and miscommunicated.
It’s like a game of telephone, isn’t it? By the end, what have you got? A MESS.
I’ve been accused of lying all my life, even by my family. I do believe that I’ve consciously lied twice in my life, and even then it was because my mouth misfired but I didn’t know how to explain “my mouth misfired” and then I stick by what I said, too ashamed to change it and look stupid. Don’t ask me how being called a liar is worse than looking stupid…
I’m totally and completely exasperated. I wish I knew how much of what goes on I truly comprehend… a LOT less than it would appear. The problem is that I sometimes do make sense, only I have literally no idea of what I’ve said and no memory of having said it.
In addition to the receptive and expressive language issues (which have left me terrified to open my mouth to anyone by Mom), my sensory system is whacked, I tell you. I’m literally getting sick when my watch alarms. I can’t bear church. Things are getting mixed up, too… I’m hearing lights and seeing sounds. All the while, mind you, trying to converse. Oh, and I still lose my words on a regular basis. I’m starting to question my sanity.
I have no idea whatsoever of how to fix this. I have no idea who knows how to fix this. I feel like I’m too complicated for anyone to be able to help me, honestly. I have an evaluation with a “really, really good” speech therapist coming up… and I’m hoping and praying she’ll have answers, at least the language issues. In the meantime, staff is watching Friends with me and helping me to analyze and retell what happened. I find that, if she explains, I can understand bits and pieces, but there is no whole at all. No plot line. Also, no memory of what we watched, shortly afterward.
If anyone has any other suggestions for anything, even of who would know what to do, please let me know.