Admission and apology

So, that ISP meeting… I had a feeling something like this would happen…

My staff has read my blog and was upset with some of what they read.  They are professionals, and if anyone read what I wrote, they could be looked down upon.  Also, I (completely unknowingly) incorrectly reported information (there was no HIPAA violation and no excessive smoking on anyone’s part).  Their feelings and reputations were hurt.

I have privately, and will now publically, apologize.  It was never my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings or misreport.  But then, that’s never my intention, and I seem to do it all the time.  I have removed the post in question and all references to names of any of my staff.

I do believe I’ve said this a few times before, but I will say it again lest anyone has missed it: I don’t pretend to totally accurately report anything, because I know I often don’t.  This blog is, and was meant to be, my perspective on myself and my suroundings.  I misinterpret a lot, because fact is, I’m confused by a lot of what goes on around me.  I became so completely overwhelmed at the meeting tonight that at different points, I was crying and screaming at people.  It was a side of me my staff has never seen before.  I so wish I could say that it will be the last time.

It also came up that I am not allowed to fall asleep for any period of time when staff is here.  Apparently, whoever created this rule has never taken Geodon, eh?  So, we might back down by hours, because I simply can’t keep up.  I’m spending my evenings melting down, because I’m engaged so much during the day.  It was questioned whether it would even be allowable for me to take a 10-minute break every hour and “zone out” on my computer or whatever with absolutely no talking from staff… and to be honest, I’m not clear on what was decided. 

I’m kind of having second thoughts about my blog in general.  Honestly, I don’t know if I can keep from hurting feelings in the future.  The problem with not knowing what isn’t appropriate to say, while simultaneously being less-than-accurate at times to the objective truth… well… it’s a stormy way to be.

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4 thoughts on “Admission and apology

  1. Well that rule about no breaks is weird, everyone knows autistic people need breaks to decompress!!!! What’s the harm in 10 min per hr?

  2. I for one love reading your blog, and kbow you love writing. It is YOUR blog. To write whatever you choose. Like you said, the vlog has always been about how you interpret things and while that may sometimes be scewed, it is your thoughts that we all come to read!

  3. Ok…I have been following your blog for quite a while. Honestly you have been very helpful to me to gain understanding of what it is like to be a person who is on the spectrum. More helpful than anyone else, including doctors and therapists. Who better to learn from than someone who is living it. I clearly remember you saying that you did not want your staff to read your blog, so I am not sure as to why they did. To me blogs are like a diary. It is YOUR feelings, YOUR thoughts, YOUR experiences and YOUR perceptions of what is happening around you. Who is anyone to tell you that is not what you should write? It is not like you are writing letters to your staff bosses trying to get them in trouble. Your writing is your way of dealing and coping. In MY opinion your staff should be ashamed of themselves for making you feel bad. They should be more understanding of you and your need to get these feelings out. It is no different than you calling someone on the phone and telling them what you do and dont like about them. This blog is just like one phone call all at once. People dont like to hear negative things about themselves. I’m sure their feelings might have been hurt, but they should not have upset you. Their job is to help you and to understand what you need. If working all these hours a day is causing you to meltdown at night then they are not helping, they are doing more harm than good. You should not have to worry about making them happy. I’m not saying to be defiant with them, but you are who you are. They should not be trying to change YOU. They should be giving you skills to help you cope and deal with the world, not trying to make you something you are not. I have to wonder, has your loss of speech increased since you started working with your staff? If it has that might be something to look at. I hate that you feel the need to apologize for who you are…shame on them for making you feel like that.

  4. Lydia, Melissa, is so right. I could not have said this better, had I tried.

    I too, have learned much from your blog.

    Mrs. E

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