Poke

The, “Lydia, you need to post now,” is poking at me.  Poke, poke, poke.  Feel it? I hate that.

It’s not that I don’t have anything going on.  I mean, I’m helping out at church summer camp all week.  There are all sorts of staff issues that I don’t feel like getting into.  Oh, and I won’t have a computer for up to a month, as it needs to be repaired before I hurt it, or myself, or both of us.  Can’t type a whole sentence without the cursor jumping, opening different windows, or deleted your text never to be found again.  It’s got to stop.  One more thing: I need a wisdom tooth out, and it’s pretty sore at this point, but they can’t do it for a month or so.  Ugh.

Anyway, the big thing on my mind is some rules.  What kinds of rules, you ask? Well…

Firstly, only my doctor and my therapist get to label me.  Nobody else.  This includes functioning labels (a kind-of-maybe-not-entirely-convinced-they’re-necessary evil, if you ask me).  You don’t get to decide that I must be ultra-HF just because I can type or speak (and the speaking comes and goes).  You don’t get to decide that I’m not REALLY autistic.  You don’t get to decide that I “should” be able to do XYZ, just because you think I can.  Sorry, folks.  Not for you to decide.  Chances are if you’re reading this, you already know that… but some people, most people who work with me DON’T know that.  Too bad they can’t read my blog (and by “can’t” I mean I won’t allow them to, because this is MY space to express MY thoughts about whatever I choose, and I don’t need them invading my safe space).

Secondly, it’s not a compliment to tell me that I could be just like everybody else if I wanted to be, and that the only reason I’m different is because I choose to be.  I fought like hell to be “normal,” and the fact is, I can’t be.  I simply can’t.  Try as I might have, I could not blend in, and I think that sometimes the harder I tried, the more I stood out.  I have found MY happy medium, and I’m happy… until people start telling me I’m not living up to my potential, that is.  Then I’m not happy; in fact, I feel rather invalidated.  (Hey staff, how’s THAT for a feelings word?  To bad words like that don’t come out of my mouth… I wish I knew why they won’t.)

Oh, there’s goes my attention span.  Vent over, I guess.  Off to write a different post now.

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4 thoughts on “Poke

  1. Are these staff helpful to you at all? Are they really able to help w/your goals? It seems like if they are saying things like this, they only make you more stressed to freely communicate. Could they be contributing to your losing your words? For me, some personalities cause me to seem much less able to function. Some people I talk to, like my best friend, you would hardly know I’m autistic but, I definitely am still, I just feel so free to be me that there’s no stress involved so the anxiety side doesn’t show. So, I seem much less affected.
    I just don’t understand how these people who’s job is to help you, get off on saying these things. Even if you don’t want to show them your blog, Could you write something similar to them so you don’t have to tell them? They really DON’T have the right to be questioning your diagnosis!

    • Eliana, the fact is, without them I’d be in a group home, probably for good. I NEED them. I can’t leave the house without them, can’t shop, can’t cook, can’t go to church. I’m going to talk to them about having some kind of written communication on a regular basis, whether it be email or a separate blog set up just for staff to read or what have you. I think they want me to talk “just like everybody else,” but… for the gaZILLionth time, I’m NOT like everybody else!

    • Eliana, the fact is, without them I’d be in a group home, probably for good. I NEED them. I can’t leave the house without them, can’t shop, can’t cook, can’t go to church. I’m going to talk to them about having some kind of written communication on a regular basis, whether it be email or a separate blog set up just for staff to read or what have you. I think they want me to talk “just like everybody else,” but… for the gaZILLionth time, I’m NOT like everybody else!

  2. Invalidated: one of the most valid feelings words out there.

    (it covers a lot of ground, and gets into specific crimes/blunders/missing spots).

    From your fingers to my screen.

    I agree with Eliana. Yes, do have something like this, that they can read at the front or some other memorable place.

    You say:

    “Secondly, it’s not a compliment to tell me that I could be just like everybody else if I wanted to be, and that the only reason I’m different is because I choose to be.”

    And there’s telling without TELLING. Gets under the skin!

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