I’m carrying around a weight this evening. Perhaps I could do something cheerful, or distract myself, or “talk” to Elsie (which I do silently, these days)… but I will choose not to.
A 10-year-old autistic girl, Kristina Vlassenko, wandered away from her home yesterday afternoon; she was found, having drowned, early this morning.
I could sum things up with a simple phrase, but I shy away from using those phrases because I’m afraid to use them incorrectly or inappropriately.
So, my heart does not literally ache.
I do not cry.
I do not even feel a sadness, that I know of.
But I do feel a weight, and a heavy one. I feel like I move through thick liquid, or like I try to run in water. This, this is how I feel such things, and so I will tell you.
And fear; I feel fear. How many sweet children do we need to lose before we come up with a better solution? Even then, what on earth would the solution be?
And fear for myself, because while I do not wander to any great degree, I do not feel safe in this world. There are too many people up to no good for a 23-going-on-11-year-old-living-alone girl not to be scared.
Hug your babies tighter tonight, for me, all you parents.
As for me, I will sit with this weight, choosing not to force it anywhere, until it decides to go away. This is how I remember.