How I Got Here
I grew up with a lot of frustration and misunderstanding. I was a tantrum-ing, has-to-be-my-way, zero-to-sixty kind of kid. Academically, I did extremely well and was tested for the gifted program in first grade, so no one really looked into the issues I did have. School reports say that I would only do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it; refused to work to my potential; lazy, forgetful, disorganized, inattentive. I had been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other things like OCD and ADD (minus the H) were mentioned, but no one was quite sure what the problem was. I was annoyed, because a lot of what they said seemed wrong even then, but I didn’t know how to tell anyone what really was wrong, so it came out as shutting down or melting down and being angry with my family for not understanding.
Finally, at 21, I was diagnosed with ASD (the exact diagnosis on the spectrum has flip flopped and now depends on which chart you’re reading). Whether or not I had a language delay is up for debate, because while my articulation was good and vocabulary was great, looking at old home videos, I was so disengaged from everyone else. So, no speech delay, but using language to communicate was a big challenge.
Where I Am
I am living at home with my parents, trying to get my feet on the ground. It’s a struggle for me to do the basic things I need to do to get by, like taking my medications and remembering appointments. My mom is helping me a lot. Health insurance is the Big Thing right now. I am, as of the other day, off my father’s plan and have to fend for myself. Right now, there is no way that I could manage a full time job. Heck, right now, I can’t FIND a job! I can stay on COBRA, but it’s really expensive, and without a job, that’s pretty tough. My mom will pay if she has to, but I’d hate that. We’re all hoping that I can stay on my mom’s insurance through a waiver that allows a disabled adult to stay on the parent’s insurance. That would be ideal. In the meantime, I continue to desperately search for a job that is 1) very close, as I lost my license due to seizures therefore needing rides, and 2) something I can manage (i.e., grocery stores, as most restaurants are completely out because I would be overloaded and overwhelmed).
Where I’m Going
In the next few months, I hope to find a job and get used to working 20-25 hours a week. I hope to get my psych meds corrected, so that I’m not such an anxious, frustrated mess. I hope to get OFF Klonopin, which calms me down but makes me “act autistic.” I’m always right on the edge of keeping it together, so… I hope that I can.