I’m not one to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve. I can hide anything. I’m not proud of this, but it is what it is. Sometimes it’s pretty upsetting, when I’m falling apart inside but no one can read it on my face, so no one stops to help. I need to learn to express that I’m upset, and we’re working on that. Right now, I’m most likely to text it to you from 2 feet away. Hey, it works.
I’m a big fan of joy, let me tell you. I get great joy out of little things. But this face of mine, it doesn’t always show it. That makes me sad.
As I came off my SSRI a few months ago, for the first maybe two months, I cried at every little thing. Every touching moment… I’d be bawling. It was just withdrawal, but boy, was it weird! I never, ever cried (unless I was melting down) prior to this. It’s simmered out a little bit, and though I still cry more than I would have on the SSRI, it’s not all the time now.
But you know… I’ve noticed something else. I’m not sure when it started. Not sure where it came from. Maybe it was when Lucy came. Maybe not. But, I also laugh. It started with Lucy, who tickles me… she jams her nose right into my bellybutton and oh, it tickles. And I laughed, so hard. I was hysterical. She does this about once a day, and I let myself laugh. No little smiles or polite chuckles, though that’s how it started…. I mean real laughter.
And then I’ve found myself laughing at things on the computer and TV. Sometimes, I laugh so hard I can’t continue to see the TV (have you ever watched Ellen? You’d laugh too!).
Oh hey, Ellen’s on. I’m gonna go laugh!